


According to Plan

by Wonderlandleighleigh



Series: Boarding School Buddies [35]
Category: Batman (Comics), Castle, Gilmore Girls, Iron Man (Movies)
Genre: Drunk fuckers, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2016-04-26
Packaged: 2018-06-04 17:53:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 921
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6668509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wonderlandleighleigh/pseuds/Wonderlandleighleigh
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bruce is back in the States after training abroad for his mission. It's time to convince Gotham city he's just a drunken slut (with a little help from his friends).</p>
            </blockquote>





	According to Plan

“I need the three of you to get me as drunk as you possibly can.”

Tony Stark, Lorelai Gilmore and Richard Castle stare at their childhood friend, shock written on their faces.

Bruce Wayne has only been back in the States for two days, and the four of them are gathered in Gotham to celebrate his return. Lorelai and Rick found babysitters for their respective children, and the four of them are free to do as they like for the whole night.

But none of them expected this.

Lorelai stammers. “Uh…like…real life drunk, or…the three of us get drunk and then you pretend to get drunk right along with us, because you don’t like to drink?”

“Real life drunk,” Bruce says. “Come on. Get me drunk.”

Rick frowns deeply and looks at Tony and Lorelai. “You uh…you sure about that, Bruce? I mean…”

“I am,” Bruce nods. “I’m sure. Come on. We’re already in a bar. Let’s get this started.”

Tony grins widely and then raises a hand. “Barkeep! A round of Patron, please! And bring the bottle!”

Lorelai groans. “Ooh, Tony no. You’re trying to kill us, aren’t you?”

“A little,” Tony smirks. “But mostly, I really, really wanna see Bruce drunk.”

*****

Four hours later and Rick stumbles out of the bar and onto the sidewalk. Bruce follows suit, running into him, and then holding onto him.

“Ohh. Okay. Drunk.”

“Yes, we are,” Rick laughs. “We are very very drunk. Oh my god, have you…you’ve never…this is your first drunk time!”

Tony saunters out, then, helping Lorelai along. “Welcome, Wayne! Welcome to the ranks of Billionaire Playboy! Now all we have to do is find you somebody to sleep with and you’ll be good to go!”

Lorelai giggles. “Shouldn’t be hard, considering how much muscle mass Brucie’s put on.”

“Don’t call me that, it’s a stupid name,” Bruce frowns.

“But very fitting for a Play…” Tony stops. “A playbloy billionaire.”

Rick laughs. “A ‘playbloy’? What is this…’playbloy’ you speak of?”

“Shut up!” Tony cries. “I am drunk and you are…mean and big and dumb.”

While Rick pouts, Lorelai pokes Bruce in the chest.

“Brucie Brucie Bruce.”

“Keep it up, Gilmore, see where it gets you,” Bruce tells her, looming over her.

“What are you gonna do, spank me?” Lorelai teases.

Bruce quirks an eyebrow at her.

"Oooh, somebody is a dirty, dirty drunk," Lorelai laughs.

Bruce smiles widely, a glint in his eye. “Guess what?” 

“What?” she asks. 

“I can jump onto a moving car now,” he tells her. “You wanna see?” 

“Noooo,” Lorelai says, grabbing his arm. “No, no, no you...nobody wants splattered Wayne for breakfast. Ever.” 

“I can do it,” Bruce shrugs her off, turning to scout out a car to jump on. 

“Bruce!” Tony cries. “Bruce, don’t you dare! I swear to god, Wayne.” 

“Fine. I’ll just climb to the top of the building,” he says, looking up. 

“Oh, crap, he’s a fearless drunk,” Rick laments. “Bruce, come on.” He watches his friend walk to the wall and start to scramble up. 

“He’s gonna die,” Lorelai groans into her hands. “Bruce.” 

“Easier with a grappling hook,” Bruce grumbles to himself as he gets his feet off the ground and then unceremoniously falls flat on his back, knocking his head against the pavement. 

The other three cry out and dash over. 

“Bruce, can you hear me?” Tony asks, patting his cheeks. “C’mon, buddy.” 

Bruce blinks, and grins at them. “Stars...n...bats…” 

“Oh, it’s time to go back to your house,” Lorelai says, doing her best to lift his dead weight. “Somebody call a cab and somebody help me out.” 

***** 

Alfred steps into the master bedroom quietly, passing the bed where Bruce, Lorelai, Tony and Rick are sprawled against each other in various states of undress, still dead to the world. 

He flings the blinds open, letting in the bright, bright sun, and all four of them groan and whine. 

“Good,” Alfred says, maybe a little too loudly. “You’re all awake.” 

“No,” Lorelai grumbles. “No go ‘way. No sun.” 

“I thought perhaps Master Bruce would like to see this morning’s paper.” 

Bruce sits up slowly, bleary-eyed, hair sticking up. He blinks rapidly as Alfred hands him the paper. The headline reads: 

 

**Bruce Wayne’s Homecoming Party!**

_Billionaire’s return home filled with booze, bros, babes and bungles!_

 

Below the headline is a full article, accompanied by photos of him trying to climb a building, and a particularly close-up one of him and Lorelai kissing. 

He holds it up to Lorelai. “You’re famous.” 

She snatches it and groans. “Uuugh. Did we kiss when we were drunk?!” 

“Looks like it,” Bruce says. 

“Dammit,” she tosses the paper down and flops back to lie back down on the bed.

Rick rescues the paper from the floor and opens it up, letting out a loud, short laugh. “Lorelai isn’t the only one you kissed last night, Brucie.” 

Tony sits up quickly and grabs for the paper, staring down at a photo of himself and Bruce in just as passionate an embrace as the one with Lorelai. “Why do I only kiss boys when I’m drunk?” 

“Why are you asking us?” Lorelai asks. 

Bruce grins a little, sitting back, looking pleased.

Rick lifts an eyebrow. “You wanted this to happen.” 

Bruce says nothing. 

“You want the public to think you’re a boozy, slutty mess,” Rick says. “Why is that?” 

Bruce still says nothing. 

Alfred sighs heavily. “I’ll make some coffee.”

“I love you, Alfred,” Lorelai grumbles.


End file.
